Unfamiliar sound causes alarm. The rain last night falling on corrugated roof below me. I wonder, how do people sleep under such metal sound?
Waking up at 4am is no longer up for debate. Finding the circular cushion at the foot of the bed, I start my meditation. Unlike the past three days, my mind wanders about people at work, window cleaning, minor. No, how can it be minor when they are taking precedent over all my other thoughts?
Grabbing a ladder and squizee, I glide across outside windows of my bedroom and patio. Surprised to find it’s cleaner than I thought. Feeling absurd, I continue. Wiping down the top ledges, finding brown dust from floor sanding from few weeks ago.
Peering out the window, I see now. This is what I have been looking for in coffee shops: Movement, wind, trees, people walking across. Wide open space with panoramic views, I exhale and let my fingers connect with my heart.
Outside window is cleaned through the rain, wind and sun. Inside is surprisingly dusty. Only when the outside becomes streak free, I see the dirt inside. And this makes me wonder about me. How they see me is through the outside, and me from the inside. While seemingly clear, image is distorted with our own dirt. I see you through my window, peering into yours. Sitting outside the rain, peering in. Huddled in your jacket, hurrying along, to avoid getting rained on. Here I am inside, observing the world in the comforts of dry and safe surroundings.
How clean is your outside and inside? I am focusing on seeing things more clearly. It takes daily cleaning. I call this meditating and writing.
I cried yesterday and the day before not because I was sad. The anger melted away over the weekend, through meditations and mettas. Tears come from the love and care that I hear and feel. Carefully crafting words to not hurt yet speak their minds with nothing but loving kindness. The skills I know I lack, the skill I am trying to learn with Toastmasters. Inspired by the Vipassana Assistant Teacher, Sonia from Amsterdam. She said everything she needed to, always with a twinkle in her eyes, smile hanging on both sides of her mouth. Firm and gentle. She means every word, and you can hear she wants you to succeed. She showed me what I needed to see. And this also means I was finally ready to see and accept it.
You work too hard. You try too hard. You don’t know how to rest. You do not respect the ways of the world. Go with the flow. Do not fight it. We have planned this course carefully for you to meditate, eat and rest. So go rest. You come from the world that never sleeps. Always on top of everything. Taking care of everyone else. Rest, my child. We will take care of you.
And this message resonated the last two days. We are with you. We are fighting for you.
Resonating with what Sean said. If you carry yourself in such a way that you are not the doer. You become the Observer. Then you become hte observer observing the observer, and so on and so on. Is is not disconnected. It is awareness and embracement of what it is, not letting reactions taking over you. You do not need to carry a sword and shield, because people will respect the healthy boundary you have around you. You will have people supporting you.
I feel your heart opening up. Let your body breathe. Do not resist life. Let life dance through the dance that is you.