Bell chimes and vibration starts. Do I want to get up, I ask myself. I can sleep in for another half hour. I remind myself this is not up for debate. I decided three days ago to get up at 4:15am and attempt daily morning meditations. Not twice a day. While I set audacious goals, I’m learning to set realistic goals.
Being in my new home, everything makes sense. This is where I am supposed to be. Even the gawdy yellow gold side shelf of an eyesore fits in the kitchen. The space to breathe, the walls to separate each room with solid bricks and doorways. I look out to my left. Green Point stadium. Round-faced clock tower that no longer tells time. A black facade of an apartment block that breaks the perfect panoramic view of the east to west, from the Silo hotel to Mojo market.
I rise to the chanting, day 2 of Metta. Yesterday, I sent loving kindness that attempted to trespass against me. Five days to cycle through the full range of emotions. Surprise. A night of unrest. Sleep eluding. Dismay. Confusion. Betrayal. Confusion. Self Doubt. Helped by friends and family open to conversations and offer their support and consolation.
What a week, I say to myself. Monday, a day of anticipation. Tuesday, truth and disappointment. The rollercoaster plummets to the buttom. Wednesday, the best speech gets voted best toast master’s speech. Thursday, a bit of calm and this storm hits me from work. I work until 10:30pm to honor my commitments. Arriving home depleted. Completely broken.
Friday, I finish packing from 6 to 9:30. I move into my new home. Movers are speedy and kind. Two appliance deliveries. One guy helps to push the new washing machine into its just big enough cranny. One failed electrical connection to the stove.
Loving and kind friend invites me to stay at her house, to give the new one more day to clear of paint and floor fumes. I get up early at 6am to go to my new home. Cleaning the brown dust from inside closets, top of ledges. On Saturday, a kind man comes to lift all four curtain rails, hang 2 big mirrors, and helps to get the fridge into its nook.
Having lived out of boxes for a month, and what I am facing at work, I know I cannot live like this for another day. I clean the windows. Wipe down inside of every cabinet. The amount of dirt surprises me. Contractor charges me R450 for his helper’s time after five hours of work. He sits where I am now, and takes in the view. Telling me how he used to do a lot of work for Estate Agents. Until he stopped after they stopped paying him. “They make so much money! How can they not pay you?” I wonder. The poor steal out of need. The ignorant rich steal because they can.
I go to exchange two unopened floor sealers, surprised at the amount I get back. These are expensive. I go to Makro to buy curtains. I see a man using one of the side rails to hoist himself up, with a grimace on his face. “Are you ok?”, I ask him. He says he’s fine. He’s got lower back issues. Verimark associate, he is there to sell mops and buckets. He demonstrates one that I think can work for my place, and he puts one in my basket. “I can do it. I hope your back’s okay.”. He looks at me and thanks me for being so concerned with his back.
My sister answers my plea for a conversation. Getting tired of pushing the shopping cart with one hand and holding the phone to my ear. I find the camping section and choose the most comfortable chair I can fine. After an hour of sitting there, I find myself liking the chair. “Get what brings you joy”, she tells me. So I put the chair in the basket and pay for everything just before closing time.
I hang the curtains. They are perfect.
I use the mop. Not for me. I prefer the one I already have.
I open the campmaster chair and sit down. It’s not comfortable. It doesn’t fit with my aesthetics.
What appears convenient and perfect is often what sustains us.
I have been opening up to close friends. Surprising myself when I tear up. I have reached out to more of my existing contacts than ever before. Taking my time. Not jumping to rush. Even exboyfriend to invite him to share songs because some of my favorite songs were from him. And someone I dated briefly, I sent a note of thanks for introducing me to the contractor. No expectations. Just stating facts and inviting them into my world with gratitude and not expectations.
And I see what Lion’s Head has been showing me. People come to you to fill the need. To help when I am flushed in the face. No water visible in my bare hands and no back pack. Singing my name as they pass, to encourage me to join them at the summit.
I’m not saying we should be weak. No, because is not who we are. We must stand upright on our own and embrace the strength we all have.
What I am seeing is this: Show all parts of you. Do not hide. Do not pretend to be stronger than you are. Just be. And if you need help from complete strangers, ask. Most of them will say yes. And some of them will become your long-lasting friends. Thank you for being my safe space and co-creating our relationships built on bedrock of continued engagements and conversations.
The intent is important, however. Engage with open arms and open heart. Forgive the ignorant and lame. But leave them swiftly, as you’re a swallow meant to soar and cover infinite grounds. But also feel free to land and settle down. But be deliberate and make choices seeing things as they are.
This is living without regrets. Living with all range of emotions.
Rising before the sun. Delighted by bird songs, with no cars passing through the high level road in front of me. Seeing the sky turn into the familiar sunset, marking the beginning of the day.
I sit on this grey plastic chair, my feet on the bottom run of this round wooden stool I used to sit in front of the make-shift counter. Just the perfect size and height to rest my laptop and my fingers dancing along the black surface. Seeing and feeling everything I’ve wanted has been created. I didn’t do it all by myself. Always with help from angels and demons around me. The other place was great landing pad, and I thought I would miss it. I was wrong. This place is better. It serves all my need of contemplation, creation, meditation. A place of community to invite people for meals and connections. To borrow from Dolly’s recommendations, to have “Circles of trusted conversations”.
It has already been two hours since I opened my eyes, and I feel accomplished for having meditated, making my bed, and writing my thoughts into the lifeplunger, that is me and you. Thank you for getting here.