Category: Uncategorized

To love myself.

Become one with the universe.

Have a witness of life.

Contribute in ways only I can.

And be at peace with what I have already

To embrace the slow and smooth

It starts with putting on shoes and leaving the house to explore the world outside of comforts. Creating friction and doing what feels unfamiliar.

It is about showing up no matter what.

Consistenly.

Competency follows.

Confidence emerges.

Another way to see it? Habits change our minds, our bodies and most importantly, our actions.

New vista emerges and we always find a way

Exposed I-beams painted lime green. Buttressed by black clamps with cylindrical pillars. Brown floor laid with cement. Fans turn at different speeds.  Oven doors open and close, bringing freshly baked goods.

Vintage mirror behind baristas. Round and rectangular tables. Emerald green sofa lines one side.

Post Hyrox event, one limps out. Murmur of conversations. Different rhythms and decibels and accents. A baby that cried out is gone? Replaced by the sound of cutlery being cleared, workers talking to one another.

Approaching closing time, crowd thins. I sit back as I write.  Wondering what song is playing in the background. Instrumental cover of well known songs, inviting us to sing along silently.

Oven stops firing. She is not bending up and down. She wipes the outsidr with her right, as her left pushes the handle to keep oven closed.

Water runs as he rinses dishes before slotting them onto drying rack.

We are slowing down. This melody that I wanted to run away from. The quietude of silence. Away from socializing. Looking for property to buy. Personal bests to beat. Mountains to climb. Life to create and offers to sign.

Now that the achieving has been achieved.  The lull of this vastness of space filled with energy that used to collide… I am learning how to still them. To let them…myself settle into a collection of heaped piles of electrons. Letting the valence collide, into one another. Creating new shapes of me. Unfamiliar but better. A shape of me that burns brighter. Less effort and less pretense.

Start writing.

How do I write for myself, without shame? Without judgment? Without performance?

To outpour what is inside? Anonymity always helps. To be seen without being judged.

I used to thirst for adventure.
Dangling myself from the edge of earth.
Throwing my body out of airplanes. Jumping from ledges and bridges.
Gliding down without engines. Moving from one country to the next.
Figuring things out.
Feeding off of dopamine of distractions and stimulations.

This world of unlimited options, eyes darting from left to right. Living through the age of abundance which we humans have not yet adapted to.

You cannot climb multiple mountains at once, but you can summit the same one over and over again. Every step. Every summit. Every descent is different.

My favorite hike of all time is up and down Lion’s Head. 34 times this year, trying to beat my personal best of 35 mintues from a year ago. Beating it on my 31st: 34:22:02. Then on the 32nd: 32:35:83.
Two days ago, I left my house, vowing to summit multiple peaks. Starting with Kloofneck corner, from the parking lot at the foot of Table Mountain. I go up and take the contour path, passing Platteklip Gorge. I continue up Devil’s Peak. Doubting my ability to meet my goal, feeling low in energy. Deflated?
Every step takes Herculean energy. I am at my slowest today. Can I make it up? Can I make it down?

Atop, I have a Fuji apple, and I feel energized. Going down is not hard, my feet skipping across rocks, joyful steps carry me down.

Do I walk down the road, and go up Platteklip Gorge? No. I retrace the countour before heading up Platteklip Gorge. This, too, feels impossible to walk up. I feel tired. I want to take a bath. Confidence comes from competence. And competence can only stem from consistency.

What separates professional from amateur? Consistency.

So I walk on. A couple passes, and I’m surprised to be passed. I am usually the one who does the passing. Atop, a mother struggles as her four children run up giggling. Through the crack, I emerge and sit in the middle of a rock to drink water. Not straying from the path to Cable Car. Conserving my energy so that I can get to my next challenge. On the way up another chain to the cable car, I grin at grey rocks. My preferred stomping grounds.

A group of black women shuffle into the cable car after me. “Can I stand with you?”, the lady asks as she wants to peer outside. There is another space for a toddler, not a woman with rounded edges. “Sure” I say, and pull myself inside, giving her the view which she records video with her phone. Isn’t it funny how people unapologetically lie to get what they want? And I wish I could do the same. To not just ask. But take up space. Take what I want.

Season pass holder, I have seen this view hundreds of times, and I shall be up again tomorrow. I have nothing to lose.
I stop by the Vida Café to get a Chicken Wrap. “Do you want us to warm it up for you?”

“Yes please.” Pleasantly surprised, I find a seat on one of the wooden chairs, in front of a round table. A couple behind me is finishing their drinks.
Basking in the sun, putting on my windbreaker. Body vaporizes the wrap, and I am surprised at the speed of my consumption.

“Ma’am, was the wrap good?” The nice employees yell out at me.
“Yes, excellent. Thanks.”
They are pleased with my satisfaction.

I am surprised and recognize my privilege. Of being different. Standing out.

I get in the car to drive to Lion’s Head. I expect to be tired and slow. But no. I was wrong. This happens a lot, and I like it. Because it means I am pushing past my comfort zones and learning more about my limitations.

Getting up in less than 36 minutes. Surprised with myself. Familiar wtih these trails, it feels effortless. Unlike Devil’s Peak. Unlike Platteklip Gorge. Walking up Lion’s Head feels effortless. Because this is the path my body knows well. No, not every step and path. But familiarity invites confidence.

And so, I can say what I couldn’t imagine few years ago. Devil’s Peak. Platteklip Gorge. Lion’s Head. All in one day, within seven hours of movement.

It was never my intention to become a fit hiker. But the fact that I have been doing this every other day no matter what the weather does or how I feel means I have not stopped moving. Continuing up and down no matter what. And because of this consistency, I couldn’t help but get fitter. Developing slower resting heart rate. I am at my fittest and I am getting older. Feeling the urge to run 5km after hiking. Feeding off of endorphins that makes me laugh out loud. Colors of my activity board becoming more black in the forest of Lion’s Head and Table Mountain hikes.

Repetition with intention is what matters. I find myself seeking steeper hills. Jagged edges of terrains. I am surprised to face this new human staring back at me. Stronger yet soft. Disappointed but not discouraged. Signining up for another 5KM. Platteklip Gorge challenge. Thinking I could do the Batman run next year in the pitch black. To feel the joy from pushing boundaries and achieving the impossible. One step at a time. No big movements required. No big packs.

World happens outside of our bedrooms. Outside of living rooms. In the open, where people stink. People swear. People play music out loud. Invading my personal space and attacking my senses. But I have learned to lean into the world. Teaching myself. It is not dangerous. It’s just uncomfortable.

Because what is world without chaos and feeling out of control? Because there is no control. There is no plan.

Dear readers who have left generous comments, thank you. Your words mean the world to me. I am not sure how you found this blog, in this world wide web of content. Thank you for coming and staying to read a bit.

I have been working on a 100 days of love letters on another domain. emptybeginnings.com

Going back to the love letter challenge, I came across few comments that felt like tail wind to the airplane carrying a big load, not sure if it was going to make it to its desired destination. It’s been 18 months since I’ve come back to plunge into this life of my previous creation.

It’s nice to be back, an easier interface. Did I create this? A great reminder. Breadcrumbs into my previous version. A little better, I hope and more than a lot changed and healed.

Because I am now ready to leave the healing behind. Building a different home full of love and nourishment, a garden to let the world in. To drink and eat from, together in harmony.

It has been 699 days since my last post. We’re not the same person, you and I. How long has it been since you got back to the work that matters? My accountability partner and dear friend recommended that I have an outline and teaser to get the readers interested. Invite them to join in. So this is my feeble attempt at an outline, a rebuke to my spontaneous energy spikes and whims. To even out the peaks and valleys to have full control of my talents and energy.

It was never one thing. A series of events that led to the today. This present moment. A team of supporters and advisors to push and pull me. My South African friends, colleagues and mentors. Family. Authors: Kahlil Gibran, Marcus Aurelius, Michael Singer, Eckerdt Tolle, Han Gang, Lee Min Jin, 양귀자, 은희경.

What I wanted in plain sight without hiding my desires have come true. In 2023, I wrote on my black chalkboard: “Be in Korea by 1 Jan 2024”. I took off from Cape Town on 31 December 2023. This and everything else I ever wrote down has come true.

Since emptying myself of physical possessions, I have stayed in multiple airbnbs in 6 cities and 3 countries.

Sabbatical life afforded me a glimpse into the future. A mini retirement. My perspective is a privileged one. Work is a privilege. A community of people at large companies I have worked for are extremely talented and hard working. Spending time with colleagues has helped me grow and be exposed to opportunities to grow. Daily stressors keep the pencils sharp. Having a place to belong gives us a sense of comfort and direction. Having nowhere to go to, nothing to do, and no one to be held accountable to, I had to figure out how to fill my time.

January: Suspended in time, I walked and ate. For the first time since childhood, I had time to myself. Discerning the likes and dislikes. Grateful to myself for creating this opportunity for myself. Having enough money to draw from. I still don’t know how much money I spent, thanks to my abundance.

March: Incognito, fitting in with people who look like me. A brand new feeling. Because even as a child, I stood out with my name and academic performance. Overseas, I looked different. At work, I was the only woman in the cadre of engineers. Here, the “only” Asian with the American accent. Learning that I am Korean, the hardworking, studious and forever sharpening my pencils. I’ve never been around such hard-working people in my adult life… No wonder the country looks and operates the way it does.

April: Working at the convenience store. Geting ready to leave. I am from here, but it is too soon for me to be back here.

May: I need a large place for me to rest. This is something I’ve always had, and hence took it for granted… Now, I know better.

June: Large puzzle pieces missing from my life, missing social cues and finding discomfort in finding my serious comments funny. I use to say, “I’m only funny when I’m serious.” Finally seeing the world as others have seen it. Knowing why I missed so many things that I couldn’t see. Thanks to a chance meeting.

July: Learning to date with the divergent mindset. A numbers game to collect as many data points as possible. Reliability and keeping promises. Showing up on time. Knowing how to dress and carry on conversations… I’m surprised to find so many gaps.

August: Falling and recovering

September: Move to Cape Town

October: The middle

November: The lingering end. Brunch at a friend’s. He confirms what I already know. It’s hard to find good people that are good at their job.

December: Starting yet again. Being open to experience and staying honest to myself. To be. To be myself, unapologetically and honestly. To be wild to be me.

Flashing lights and calls of siren rattled us awake on our first night in the rented Boston apartment. Next day, my newly minted roommates decided to bail. These suburbanites didn’t feel safe in the city and called their parents. Our one day landlord was understanding and returned our deposit.

I had one week of school before having to move out of my dorm room. As I was packing up my beat up 86 Ford Fiesta, a friendly upperclassman asked me where I would be spending my summer. I said I didn’t have a place to stay but had secured a summer job in Boston.

She offered her parent’s place in passing. I knew it would be impolite to say yes but I didn’t want to stay with my aunt and uncle who lived an hour away from Boston. There was no way my car would make the daily commute. Her parents agreed, and I moved in with my friend, her Mom, Dad, and older brother for three months. Her mom charged me weekly rent of $25.
It was one of the best summers I’ve ever had, if not the best, hanging out with my friend’s family, going to clubs with my friend and her older brother, working long hours, making friends at work, and having what felt like a safe home to go back to every night.

That was 20 years ago. My friend, Eunice’s mom, also named Eunice, sends me happy birthday email every year. Everytime I see her email address pop up, my heart somersaults. Through the small black letters, I still feel their love across the Atlantic.

Today is my sixth day off from work. In the beginning, 7 days felt long.
Last Saturday. I did something that kept me busy. I can’t recall what.
Sunday, met a fellow alien, watched walking dead. Couldn’t sleep because of the zombies…
Monday, bought big bowls and made kimchi.
Tuesday? Started a Korean series. Made doctor’s appointment. Went for 2-hour art class, a challenge from my friend. She thinks I am too structured and wouldn’t take instructed classes. I did it, to honor her request and be open. During the two hours, I had fun. I hung up the picture of an orchid on the wall that I painted. Remembering, what the instructor told a lady drawing a picture of her son ‘Look at the object, not the paper. Draw what you see. Make corrections as you go. You can fix it. Make little adjustments here and there.’ I wasn’t given any instructions aside from a blank sheet of paper and box of charcoal. I chose an onion and potato to sketch. There is only so much you can draw with rock like objects. Orchid turned out to be more difficult and fun.

Wednesday, binge-watched Korean series and made cookie. Defrosted frozen food but forgot about it, and had to throw it away.
Thursday, had a long bath while reading Love in the time of Cholera. Got angry. Went for a message. Small misunderstanding, a fight and make up. Brunch. Nap. Started reading Ernest Hemingway’s “A Moveable Feast.” Then dinner.
Friday, I made labels for kimchi. Paid bills. Ramyun for Lunch. Wrote four short cards. Had pizza. Finished Love in the time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez. I hated it despite One Hundred Years of Solitude being one of my favorite and most-read novels of all times. Why? Because it was a book written by a man, from a man’s perspective, misconstruing what happened, and using women as mere foils of the men’s character. How one of the protagonist’s closest ally gets raped and she spends her life looking for him. Not to destroy, but love the strong man who threw her down on the docks, when she was a young girl. Or, how one little girl was placed under the guardianship of the Protagonist, only to be ‘in a relationship’ with a man 60 years her senior. How he had to re-braid her hair, and tie her shoe laces. How she missed the Sundays spent out in the back. But I can’t get mad, can I? These were words written by a man, for men. Writing what he knows and believes. Everyone is free to believe and whatever one chooses. I am going to use this anger as the fuel to sustain the fire inside. Let’s park this for now.

Today, I bought 2 domains. Researched domain name provider vs. hosting vs. websites. Researched which business banks to use by watching YouTube videos. Some talked too much and didn’t help until I came across Amanda Russell who was clear and concise. Even her background was a turquoise calm. Researched which state to incorporate the LLC in. Thought about the weather (it’s nice out today). Thinking about everything and nothing. I think creating content on how to set up a business could be of value to me and everyone else. There are too many disjointed and incoherent content. It’s not easy to understand exactly what needs to be and in what order.

Enough of ‘hard ideas’. I sketched a picture of my grandmother, remembering Tuesday’s lessons. It doesn’t look anything like her, of course. But I had fun, and I reminisced our last days together. Realizing what I’ve read over and over again. Life is a journey, not a destination.

Lessons of the week:

1. I need better sleep hygiene. If I am well rested, I am happier and more productive the next day. Resting for the sake of resting, is not for me.
2. Doing nothing is difficult. I end up looking for easy content to distract my mind. Actively being silent and doing nothing is a skill.
3. I am happiest when I am productive.
4. Being clean and tidy declutters the mind.
5. Working out is a habit that I need to get back into.
6. I cannot consume violent content. I can’t sleep for days.
7. Learning only happens by doing. No one can teach you if you don’t apply the knowledge yourself.
8. Unattended mailbox taught me I waste a lot of time consuming content. Even if these were from New York Times, LinkedIn, McKinsey, Economist, Bloomberg, and I’ll teach you to be rich, these are all personal opinions at the end of the day. Someone’s opinion, belonging to recognized and reputable organization. Is this a good use of my time? No.
9. When some things take too long, I end up not doing it. A bad habit which I need to break.
10. I need to become one person. The same person at work = me with my friends and family