12 hours of deep slumber, missing networking event, and even the 4am meditation bell. I still sit for 53 minutes before getting up to brush my teeth.
Feeling rested, I feel something else arising. The unfinished business to claim what is rightfully mine, and following through to collect through the legal system.
I sit back in the enclosed patio, sitting on the convertible beach chair with comfortable backing, laptop on a small round stool I found in the trash pile in the previous apartment. It is perfect for me, and this activity. The universe is always giving me what I need, exactly when I need it, and hardship that helps me level up and grow into a more ‘me’, if there were such a thing.
When I opened my eyes, the sky was clear with a small patch of cloud afar, and now, droplets cover the outside, small mists landing on the glass outside. How quickly things change. Anicca. Equanimity. Birds still fly, unflappable to the weather. Flapping their wings, towards the sea, where are you going?
I peer to my left to the feelings wheel, wondering why happy and surprise make up 35% of all feelings. The rest filled with fear, anger, disgust and sad. I know. These are ways in which to protect ourselves, because to be happy is to be safe. And maybe once we get to a safe place, happiness dominates, as other feelings no longer needed fade away. Or maybe, we get to a safe place and don’t know not to feel the other feelings. The amygdla not required so much. We are running away from saber toothed tigers or spears of an enemy tribe.
Yesterday, I dressed in traditional corporate attire with a bit of flair. Button down shirt with slacks. Do not look like your problems, she said. I felt better. Now, how do I feel? The left upper part of my heart is telling me something, but what, I wonder.
Thanks to the wisdom of a work friend, I keep my correction factual and balanced. Business focused, and get the insight and support from their manager. I am doing what I can. Taking wide steps back to where I should play. The role of a department, as Executive. I set the vision and direction. How they follow and do their work is up to them. It is free to learn now. Everything is available on the world wide web. You can even create agents to replace yourself.
The power is within you and me. How you exercise that power is up to you. You can idle or you can work. Was it physics or chemistry? Potential energy vs. kinetic energy. Potential is dormant and innate. Kinetic comes from chemical action. From moving the tiny molecules inside that create heat, cause chemical reaction, boil and burn away. The one that causes discomfort at first.
Creating movement causing awe. I did that. I made that happen. I played a role. I was the catalyst. I am oxygen. Create your oxygen. My oxygen is created through these moments, sitting in this enclosed patio. I love it here. My new home. It may appear too big for one person. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, living room, enclosed patio, long entranceway with snaking corridors. Two tandem parking bay and one garage. Yet, this finally feels like home. My intentions were clear. Own a place to raise a boy with nanny’s help. If the baby thing doesn’t work out, a gathering place where friends and family can come and rest. A place of comunity with easier access and parking for visitors. To make it more convenient to be here. All that has come true. Be deliberate and intentional, she said. And that I was.
As I step back from the senior manager, manager, and doer’s role. To leave the game altogether. To leave the room of multiple chess players and their plays. I have to think about where it is that I am headed. Do not react. Respond. But why even respond, when silence can fill the space better than uttering of words that waste oxygen and create future complications that had no intentions.
This morning, I find myself well-rested and in deeper contemplation. Need to send apologies for not attending the event, but this event doesn’t serve me. I am never excited to go. Finding it awkward and unnecessary. I missed it because I plopped down on my bed for a nap, finding myself there still at 2 am, and going back to sleep until 5:30am.
What has gotten me here so far? My American friend who said yes to dinner with me and who invited me to her space to stay. Friends who checked in to see if everything was okay. How can we help? My friend who shared the most with me. Sharing disappointment. Work friend who listened and (always) gave me great advice. Another work friend who put things in perspective with condiment buckets and crinkled up tissue paper. Considerate boss and considerate colleague who took their time to carefully deliver a sensitve message with nothing but love and tenderness. What a difference between the people (ironic? no) team who left doubt and fear in my core. And I have to admit the truth. I, too, must have been like them, despite best of intentions. And accept that they are just doing their job. They simply don’t care and are most likely numb to these things anyways.
Help from these wonderful people. Seeing that I have created a network of wonderful folks that wants to help and most importantly, can help.
I was mistaken before. People just want things from me. Not responding for connections and referrals. I was wrong. Now, I know better.
As I rise up to better consciousness, I am seeing the lies and missteps I had been taken. Seeing and doing differently.
And as i write this, the small mists have burned away, the blue skies gently lifting between the shades of white and grey clouds that no longer water moisture. Soon enough, only the blue will cover the horizons. Sun is rising from my right, and the white light it casts against the clouds is ethereal.
Everything is always changing.