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The pressure is too much and one of the team members is about to break. Instead of crumbling, he requests my audience and we talk through it.

Time to take the foot off the pedal for a bit.

My child, it will be hard to let go, I know. You’ll look for me on the road, in the room, in the house, and all places full of people who look or talk remotely like me. You’re going to secretly hope that I’m still alive, and this death business was all a big mistake. You will try to believe something that is not true, and you will be disappointed every time the familiar face doesn’t answer your call. This may take few weeks, few months, and even few years. It’s okay. You take all the time you want.

And when the time comes, you’ll smile to yourself as you get a glimpse of me in unexpected ways.

I feel fabulous wearing this luxurious gown weaved with Egyptian cotton. This bed I’m lounging on is fit for a queen. The room is comfortable, and the flowers in colorful vases breathe welcome fragrance into my soul.

I wish I was dreaming. Or maybe I’m in midst of a nightmare. The blue smock barely covers my frail body. The Sterility of this place makes me want to scream in silence. I am trapped in my caged and lumpy bed.

I am alone.

No one to hold my hand. No one to soothe the racing mind. No one to distract me. No one to tell me that everything will be okay.

They were here just a moment ago.

They have gone away to rest, and I am left here to rest.

The room is quiet aside from distant coughing from the next room. The humidifier hums along to help ease my breathing. The wretched concoction of chemicals makes me cringe. All I can see is the bright fluorescent bulb bearing down on my decaying body.

I should rest (but why, I wonder, if all I do is lay dormant all day) but I can’t close my eyes, for I cannot bear the darkness. For I cannot bear the unknown, knowing full well what is to come.

I grow restless counting the things undone.
I grow restless for the things unsaid.

I pray to God although I’ve never been to church. I pray to God to help me get through this. I pray to God to take care of my small children. I pray to God to perhaps tell me that this is all a big fat joke. I’m going to wake up just now and this would have all been a long and dreadful dream I could tell my grandchildren about one day.

Except I know better. I do not have the luxury of growing old.  I will rob them of their time with a parent. I will miss their high school graduation. I will not be there to hold their hand and pat their heads when life gets tough. I will not be there to let them spoil me when they become adults. I will not be there to babysit their children. I will not be there to fight them as equal adults.

I know that my time with my children are limited, and I know this will leave a scar deep in their hearts. And for this, my heart bleeds into my aching soul. Too young to say goodbye to the world I haven’t started living in, and too old to fall into the traps of a denial of the truth to come.

And so, I stare up and turn my gaze towards the moon. The moon, unlike the sun, reminds me of the days passing as it waxes and wanes from one night to the next. I wonder if the children see what I see. I wonder if they can feel my love, despite me not able to embrace them and protect them.

They are far too young to accept my certain passing. I am far too young to leave my three children and estranged husband of too many years.

Tears run down my face. How do I remind you of my love and appreciation before I take my last breath? My greatest joys, creations and accomplishments of my life.

I write you a letter folded in love. I deliver with hope and release you with my best wishes.

…is written by Jo Harjo, “Fall Song”

It is a dark fall day.
The earth is slightly damp with rain,
I hear a jay.
The cry is blue.
I have found you in the story again.
Is there another word for “divine”?
I need a song that will keep sky open in my mind.
If I think behind me, I might break.
If I think forward, I lose now.
Forever will be a day like this
Strung perfectly on the necklace of days.
Slightly overcast
Yellow overcast
Your jacket hanging in the hallway
Next to mine.

The awakening sun waves a friendly hello, and I turn off the kitchen light.

The outside enters through small and open space once covered with mortar and paint.

Sun’s powerful rays paint a fiery African continent atop the stove boiling with freshly ground coffee.

I pour the black magic into a small cup of milk. I embrace its warmth with both hands. I inhale. I exhale. I breathe in the moment that is mine for a fleeting moment.

To see and experience magic, we must first tear down the walls. Break down barriers. Extinguish the light we’ve grown accustomed to. The switch we rely on is used too often, and we forget the lightness of the dark. The gaiety of its stillness.

I savor the moment before taking a small sip. I release the cup. I let it rest on top of the sparkling counter top.

I bid adieu to magic before stepping into the day.

I arrive early to catch up on a bit of work before the friend arrives. I open the laptop and dive into the world that is work after hours. The waitress arrives and asks if I want to move seats. She sees me by myself and so assumes I need to be rescued. I may be alone, but I am not lonely.

She thinks I will feel more comfortable tucked away in a corner. I am fine in the middle of the room, but I smile at her thoughtfulness. I put in half hour’s work before shutting down as soon as my companion enters my view.

As always, she raises good points. She is the worrier. I’m the dreamer. She asks me to hold back a little instead of jumping head in. I can’t help myself, I say! How many people do we meet that charges and electrifies every fiber of our living cells? I can count them all in one hand. She agrees.

I agree with her mantra. The Mission of Self is the most important. We must come out on the other side, with the goal not being unscathed, but better and stronger from the previous version. Retain but not hold back the self in the interest of the other person. To love others, we must always love ourselves first. Embrace the whole person inside. Otherwise, how can we embrace someone else outside of our body?

With you, the time comes to a complete standstill. Once at work, I turn in a zombie. It’s okay, but it’s kind of killing me a little. Productivity is zilch, but not everything can be rainbows and gold drops. The downside must also be experienced and rejoiced. Without the upside, there is no downside.

 

A quick dinner turns into a 7-hour affair. I guess I should have known better. Knowing and doing are two complete things, aren’t they?

It’s cold and I should have worn my jacket, but out I am already and it’s too late to get back inside. Along with 700 others, I run my first 5k of the year and clock in my best time. On the way back, I take a picture of the Mexican restaurant to share the past memory with a friend long gone. When will I see him again, I have no idea.

Man walks alongside a train with his kids to capture this moment in time forever. The guys in the coffee shop make fun (nothing bad) and I chuckle inside.

A petite woman wears her bag in front of her. What is she afraid of? Who is going to snatch the content of her bag away from her small frame?

A small family of three pause for a photo. The little girl is all bundled up. She waddles along while her parents pose her for a photo. Behind her is the Table Mountain draped in grey and white clouds to protect its jewels from prying eyes. The fingers dance along to the melody of my imagination freed from the routine every day of the hustle up north. I crackle with joy inside, and my feet shake along to the rumba of the music just outside of the cozy café. Oh how happy do I feel?

I wonder if I should leave for the weekend. I’ll be missing a friend’s birthday. A friend’s visit. Time with the special someone. A ticket has been bought, and a commitment has been made. I race to the airport a bit tired. I did get up at 5am again, an impossible time for me.

The sun sets, and I see the same fusion of the day exiting as the night peeks over the horizon. The Uber driver is shocked to find that I’ll be staying with strangers I’ve never met. The strangers become fast friends as we gulf down homemade tacos. I tuck in for the evening warm and fuzzy inside. I am glad I came.