Asked a blonde lady at the counter. So bold and brash. I would have been too ashamed to ask for such a thing.
My best self-help book is written by myself for myself. Because who knows better than self to make things better…?
Category: Uncategorized
honest opinion
Brother called to solicit feedback on his project. He said he wanted my frank opinion. He said everyone tells him it’s great.
I had given him honest feedback last year but it wasn’t welcome then. Funny how when people want to improve, they want to hear the truth. I’m grateful to be part of his journey. Thanks for asking me for my opinion. You came to the right place, bro.
What is Love?
“Love does not begin and end the way we think it does. Love is a battle. Love is a war. Love is a growing up” – James Baldwin.
the way i am
I do not fear the past. I fear the loss of time to do nice things before the scheduled departure.
The way I give. The way I hesitate. The way I hold on. The way I finally let go. This is the way I love. This is me. I have grown with yearning for her love and longing for the departed. Every parting reminds me of the too soon and too abrupt. So why am I surprised to hold on too tight and way too soon?
What I thought was extinguished is burning inside the very same person shivering from the cold. The flame glows inside of her own beating heart.
And so, perhaps and quite possibly, her love had not ended the way I thought. It continues inside. It lives on. I pick myself up to take a small step forward to light the way.
Epiphany
Just read the 21 pages of what I wrote this past year. A majority of them connects me to my younger self. The professional stuff does not resonate.
In the blue notebook, I unearth forgotten words from seven months ago. It didn’t make sense then, and it still doesn’t. At least it isn’t as rubbish as I once thought it was.
The blue dancer flickers to steady itself as the orange flame tries to escape the black ink. Why are you trying so hard to part ways? You can’t survive without the wick dipped in wax, you wicked flame!
The moon is cradling the ball tonight, and I wonder what you are up to. I just want to see you momentarily. For a kiss and a hug. To feel you next to my skin, but only briefly before it consumes me and extinguishes time. Time, time, time, time. The giver of life. The father of ions, sorrows, beginnings and all ends.
My freedom is not the same as yours.
Yet another cleanse
Seven days for, with, and by myself. No distractions. No friends. No family. No boyfriend. Reality called work interferes, but I’ve learned to compartmentalize this sacred process.
The mind tries the usual escape route of consumption. Not this time! I’ve been on a digital diet for a month already. I had already primed myself for this cleansing process. This time, I consume my words and nothing else.
After furious typing, 7000 words appear. After relentless handwriting, I fill ten pages. After careful conversations with myself, I can hear myself think again.
Have I been here before?
Yes, you have, replies the younger me from two years ago living in the small notebook covered in blue. And I’m proud of your progress. At least your recordings of the past allows you to draw the intersection with your present.
My writing serves as a mental compass to guide myself back to the deepest part of me. I am grateful for the gift of words.
Enduring
The sun is out. Never ending waves wipe away the beads of sweat. No respite in site, I close my eyes to ride out the waves. Except the waves won’t stop, and the pent-up frustration won’t subside. I must stop playing this silly game of pretending that everything is fine, because I cannot live in this sea of mediocrity.
I grow despondent.
Except there is a time and place for everything. I must endure this phase. All things will pass, and so, I must learn to enjoy the now.
I grow hopeful.
Starting to finishing!
One candidate did well on the case study and the panel interview. A compulsory background check revealed that he never finished his degree. He says he couldn’t afford the tuition and sent us a proof of registration. He does not meet the minimum requirement. He is automatically disqualified.
Is it like sending one’s birth certificate to claim eminence of chosen field?
I wonder if that’s what we do in life. Claim to be something. Promise the world. Talk the talk but haven’t walked the walk long enough to accomplish something worthwhile. Perhaps we always take the first step but fizzle out before crossing the finish line. Having spent all that time with nothing to show for one’s time and effort. How depressing. How interesting (not really).
As great as it is to start, finishing is how we’re measured at the end of the day.
Working for self
The air feels cool outside. A thick layer of clouds sits atop the low-slung horizon. I sit outside, and a colleague joins me for lunch. It’s not planned and welcome.
We talk about life outside of work. He says he doesn’t take up employment that takes up time outside of work hours. He doesn’t even know his monthly take-home pay. A majority of his income comes from property.
He buys to rent, not to sell. The key to success is buying low and getting a good tenant in who pays both the mortgage/bond and levies/fees.
Once, a property owner asked for R2.3m, he offered R1.5m. The final sales price ended up being R1.8m.
When a property appreciates, he takes a loan against the appreciated value and puts it towards another property. He once used his pension fund as a surety against a purchase. Making his pension work double-time in his favor.
He says he does what he is told. He’s an employee, and so he does what’s required to take home his pay. Some time ago, he got bored of doing the same thing day in and out. To save himself, he created his own company to challenge himself. Taxes. Financial accounting. Operations. He had to learn. He had to do. That was probably 10 years ago already. He also cites his laziness being the driver of all that he does. He doesn’t want to work until the age of 65.
He doesn’t come across as a wheeler and a dealer, but the best ones rarely show their true colors.
Value of money
I’m shopping for a used car. It may be cheaper to buy a new one. The first dealer I went to charged more for the used car, when comparing it to the brand new model.
I didn’t know any better. Except I know best to ask the experts working for VW. They were shocked and told me so.
I’m not sure if I should spend another $1000 to buy a “better” car. Or, go down and save about the same amount. Because at the end of the day, both will be covered by the manufacturer warranty.
Some may say I’m splitting hairs. They may have a point. But I wonder, what else could I get for that $1000. A month’s mortgage payment. Two weekend trips to a friend’s wedding. 10 Fancy dinners for two. 10 awesome outfits. When I assign the value of experience, the $1000 seems like a lot. But in absolute terms, it’s only $1000.
The car I drive doesn’t define me. It must get me from point A to B safely and economically. And so, I guess I’m leaning towards saving money. Purchase a used car with fewer than 20,000 kilometers less than R160,000. That’s about $15,000.