Author: Han NaGil

Blood and nutrients flow. The heart beats without a break. Its strength and resilience is second to none. The host is able to lead a healthy and active lifestyle.

The same heart transplants into another body similar in size and make-up. The more it tries to pump, the smaller the arteries become. Blood doesn’t flow. Electrical signals cut in and out. Valves malfunction.

But the heart must do what it was designed to do! It continues to beat against the host’s will.

Organ failure. Organ rejection.

Am I the wasted heart?

“I am so happy to see you…”

The caretaker leads me outside. Yes, I noticed the pavement caving in few weeks ago. And there is also a crack that is 2 feet long. We go downstairs.

The electrical meter room has a hole cut out and a pump to prevent the unholy matrimony of electricity and water.

It’s been like this for years, she claims. Apparently, there is a leak in the water main, and the local telecoms provider pumps out their pipe sleeve and manhole every few day.

She said she saved the entire building from complete meltdown.

I don’t know enough to disagree.

Yet, I can’t help but wonder why this wasn’t fixed long ago. And seriously reconsider the benefits of ownership. I just paid $5000 once off maintenance fee on top of monthly levy and shared costs to resolve overdue paint job worth $200k. Now, this?

“Until the Lion learns how to write, every story will glorify the hunter”
-African Proverb

My friend mentioned this during our weekly check-in. I’ve been living in South Africa for 9 years, and my first time hearing it. Maybe I wasn’t spending enough time with the right people. I’ve been doing better prioritizing my time and people.

What this means to me:

1. Words trump physical strength or triumph. If I win and I can’t tell anyone, the loser with a pen will be revered as the victor.

2. I must face and fight the enemy to have a story to tell. Furthermore, I must survive.

3. I must write!!!

My team spent the whole day coming up with practical solutions.

Instead of picking a solution or adding valuable input, they throw another tantrum. And inaction wins again.

A whole day’s work is wasted (yet again).

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me again and again, shame on me.

Inefficient organism with zero accountability and no decision making authority. Everybody hides and blames.

I am becoming unshakable by creating more space, time, and patience between myself and petulant hypocrites.

I choose not to play the blame game with a long stick.

They throw sticks at me and lights a match.

Fhe fire won’t ignite. Because I am inert. I am unshakable.

A board with 64 squares of alternating colors. Each player is given 16 pieces made up of 8 pawns, 2 bishops, 2 rooks, 2 knights, 1 queen and 1 king. 

King must be protected. The game ends when a player’s king falls.  

Queen is the most powerful, able to mimic moves of the king, rooks and bishops, but not the knight. Queen always in a straight line or diagonally, back and forth, across unlimited number of squares.

Knights move in L-configuration and never in a straight line.
Knights are often used to corner the king into a checkmate.
Bishops slide diagonally.

Pawns are the most versatile, and the most overlooked. When moving for the first time, pawns can move up two or one square forward. When taking the opponent’s piece, it must do so diagonally. It can only go forward. Other pieces do not have this restriction.

However, once they reach the other side, they can be promoted. Queen is the most popular and obvious choice, and hence this is also referred to as “queening”.

I used to sacrifice my pawns, holding dearly to my valiant knight. I was shortsighted.

Pawns must get the investment and protection they need to become the next Queen. The next Bishop. Once promoted, they shed their lowly soldier status.

Only pawns can transform into something greater than themselves.  

Hence, to win the game of life, I must recognize and develop my pawns.

Defines us.

I just made a list of activities to complete post work:

Buy groceries. Make chicken soup. Deliver soup. Take measurements.

I will spend four hours on the above.

Why? Because I care about people and relationships. I want my friends to feel appreciated and cared for.

I am grateful for having quality people in my life. I am grateful for having the time and money to do nice things.

I give my time because time with loved ones is important to me. Time is the vessel and the things we do overflow or barely fills the bucket of infinite possibilities.

I wake up to my phone alarm, often finding welcome messages and alerts.

Except I don’t like clouding my head with other people’s thoughts first thing in the morning.

Nor do I benefit from countless checking for messages, listening to podcast/audiobook/YouTube, reading the news, or watching Star Trek Discovery (yes, I know!) or hilarious comedy shows.

I sleep later, get up at the same time, and am annoyed with myself upon reaching for the phone.

I am tired. Annoyed. I need help!

Starting tonight, all digital devices are disallowed in my room from 10pm to 630am.

I’ll do this for the next 30 days and see how my life changes.

We run away from fear.

We run towards desire.

One pulls us. One pushes us away. Is it opportunity or temptation?

How do you strike the right balance?

Maybe we should run in opposite directions. Maybe we should forget everything we know and do what feels hard. Do the hard part first.

Do you ignore it? It’s only a penny after all. Mere one cents or a dollar. Do you hear it? Where does it go? Does it roll away? Is it face up or down?

Do you care? Are you one cent richer or poorer?

What does it mean?

Will you take out a piece of paper, eraser and pencil to work it out? It should be easy enough. Only one cent after all?

But perhaps it was the coin that kept the door ajar. It was the one cent you needed to buy the one dollar lottery ticket that couod win you many millions. Or a cent to pay for an exquisite meal.

Or a cent holding you back. The one small ounce that broke the camel’s back? The one cent that you don’t need in your purse full of dirty and useless change you carry with you but cannot be used.

When the penny drops, do you chase after it, or do you let it go?

I am choosing to work out the problem to see whether the penny should stay or go

Covered from head to toe in self doubt.
Blindfolded and bumping into all the wrong people and all the wrong places.
Blocking out all sound.
Shutting her mouth, and closing off the world.

Until her skin burned.
Until she grew tired of all the bumps and bruises.
Until she grew too bored.
Until she starved and parched away.

She disrobed.
She opened her eyes.
She unblocked her ears.
She unlocked her jaws.

Light radiated from her body.
She could see farther and clearer than ever before.
She could hear her loved ones calling out to her.
She could taste the bountiful food and water bursting with flavor.

She was awakened and she was alive.